


Still a Wanker

by Python07



Series: Kingsman Meets Craiglang [6]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015), Still Game (TV)
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Language, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-18
Updated: 2015-11-18
Packaged: 2018-05-02 07:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5239331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Python07/pseuds/Python07
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eggsy has a conversation with his mum, Merlin has one with Da, and Valentine is still a wanker.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still a Wanker

“Take a breath, Mum.”

Eggsy’s calm voice floated into Merlin’s inner sanctum from the hall. Merlin tried not to listen. He focused on his screens but he couldn’t help hearing Eggsy’s end of the conversation.

“I’m sorry our Dais woke up with nightmares…I don’t know. Find a way to distract her…Mum, please stop shouting,” Eggsy pleaded. “You’ll make it worse, yeah. She takes her lead from you…No, I’m not tryin’ to talk down to ya.”

“Eggsy,” Merlin called. “Tell her to check Harry’s DVD cabinet. He loved Pixar. I believe he has them all.”

Eggsy stuck his head in. He shot Merlin a relieved grin. “Mum, check the DVDs. Put on Toy Story or Up. I’ll be home soon. Then we can have some dinner and you can have a bath while I watch Dais….I know…I love ya, too and keep the door locked til I get there.”

“You realize that Harry’s house has all the Kingsman security features. Whatever unfortunate tries to break into there will soon regret it.”

Eggsy slipped his phone back into his pocket. “I figured.” He plopped down onto a chair next to Merlin. “Harry liked Pixar?”

One end of Merlin’s mouth quirked up. “Who doesnae?”

Eggsy grinned. “True. Still, he seemed too posh for that sort of thing.”

“Just like you, Harry was much more than he appeared.” 

Eggsy’s grin got wider. He lightly nudged Merlin. “Just like you too, Guv. At first, I thought Kingsman scientists created you in a lab to be the perfect handler and a training officer without mercy. I didn’t think you slept as much as recharged your batteries.”

Merlin snorted a laugh. “A computer couldnae do half of what I do. Dealing with the lot of ye would blow its logic circuits.” He waved Eggsy away. “Now, off with ye, ye cheeky shit.”

Eggsy laughed. He didn’t move. “You get more Scots when you tease.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “Go home.”

Eggsy shook his head. He was suddenly serious and earnest. “What are you doin’? Are you sure I can’t help?” 

Merlin sighed, suddenly tired and a bit frustrated. “I’m trying to check on the status of all the Knights. The only ones I’ve been in contact with are Lancelot, Percival, and Ector.”

“Rox was going to check on her family. Are they all right?” Eggsy asked in concern.

“They are well except for her brother almost burning the estate house down. There’s substantial damage.”

“And Percival?”

Merlin rubbed a hand over his head and then rubbed the back of his neck. “Thankfully, he was alone at home and I locked it down the same time I did it for Da and Victor.” 

Eggsy nodded in thought. “So, he probably trashed the place, but he didn’t hurt anyone.”

Merlin rotated his neck and stretched his shoulders. “Just so, but his father wasnae as lucky. He was watching the match at his local. He has a broken nose and a broken arm.”

Eggsy winced but said, “It could’ve been worse. I don’t think I’ve met Ector.” 

“No. You wouldnae have. He was deep undercover with a diamond smuggling ring in North Africa.”

Eggsy whistled. “A bunch of smugglers. I’m sure all hell broke loose.”

“Aye,” Merlin agreed dryly. “He took out the whole ring without getting a scratch.”

“In about two minutes.” Eggsy’s eyes got wide. “Wow. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised after seeing what Harry did at the church but wow.”

Merlin patted Eggsy’s shoulder. “You didnae do so bad yourself.”

Eggsy smiled shyly at the praise. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

Without realizing it, Eggsy leaned into Merlin’s touch. “How are you getting Ector home?”

Merlin stroked the side of Eggsy’s neck with his thumb. “For the moment, I’m not. We have a safe house in the area. He can lay low for a while until I can arrange transport.”

Eggsy smiled softly and shut his eyes. He made a small contented sound reminiscent of a cat. “No luck on the others?”

“No.” Merlin realized that he was staring at Eggsy. He realized what he was doing and withdrew his hand. He took his glasses off to pinch the bridge of his nose. “None of them have been in contact.” 

Eggsy sighed in mild disappointment. He shrugged. “The world almost ended yesterday, guv,” he said reasonably. “Their glasses may have been broken in the chaos and a lot of places are without power or phones.”

Merlin slipped the glasses back on. “Aye, I know.“ He pointedly looked at his screens. “Go home, Eggsy,” he commanded softly. 

Eggsy reluctantly stood. “You’re right. I should get back to Mum and Daisy.” He nervously shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “I’ll see ya later, yeah.”

Merlin couldn’t help it. He favored Eggsy with a small smile. “Aye. Go on.”

“Alec, are ye there, son?” Jack asked through his glasses. He sat on a stool, inspecting the supplies in his hidden emergency locker in his flat. “Water, food, tranny,” he muttered to himself. “Flashlight, batteries, first aide kit, tools, duct tape, trash bags...”

Merlin’s voice came back, relieved. “Aye, you have everything and then some, Da. Are ye all right?”

“Fine,” Jack answered absently. “Victor’s got a strained shoulder, but other than that, he’s as well as he can be.”

“Good. What are you looking for?”

“Just a sec.” Jack finally found what he was looking for and let out a relieved sigh. “Got it.”

Merlin cut his laugh short. “Tobacco, Da?’

“Aye. I broke my normal pipe yesterday.” Jack pulled out a spare pipe and tobacco. He didn’t speak again until he had it lit and took a deep drag. His posture relaxed immediately and the tension he didn’t know he was carrying in his shoulders eased. “Oh, that’s the bullocks.” 

“That’s so bad for ye.”

Jack happily puffed away. “Alec, I’m seventy-two. Ye think I care?”

Merlin didn’t bother cutting his laugh short this time. “I know ye don’t.”

“How’s our Fiona, Tony, and the boys?”

“They’re good. The boys stayed in their rooms, Fi was in the bedroom, and Tony was locked in the cellar. They made a mess, Fi destroyed her prized music box, and Tony cut his hand up good but they’re okay,” Merlin reported.

“Good. And you have generators and such for them as you do for me an Victor.” 

“Of course.”

Jack switched his attention to the weapons cabinet: Kingsman issue pistol with regular ammo and shotgun cartridges, a sniper rifle, a few lighters, a signet ring, and an umbrella. “So, what happened? All I felt was this all-encompassin’ rage. I had nae control. I cannae remember ever being that angry. You were right to lock all this away. I could’ve done some serious damage.”

Merlin sighed heavily. “You heard about Richmond Valentine and the free SIM cards?”

“Aye, everyone at the Clansman was keen to get one, except for me an Victor.”

“I still say you an Victor should have a cell phones.”

Jack groaned softly as he stood. He stepped into the bedroom. Then he stood in front of the mirror. He inhaled deeply and blew the smoke out at his reflection and Merlin. “Let’s nae have that argument again, Alec. What about the SIM cards?”

“Valentine used them to broadcast a signal that stimulated the aggression centers of the human brain and turned off inhibitors.” 

Jack thought on that for a long moment. “So, you’re sayin’ he broadcast a signal to make everyone ragin’ mad with no restraint.”

“That’s it.”

Jack frowned. “Those SIM cards were everywhere. So, when he turned it on, it spawned that madness worldwide.”

“Aye,” Merlin answered grimly. “And that’s not all.”

Jack looked at the mirror intently as if he was looking at Merlin. “Go on, lad.”

“He corrupted many important people to his side, world leaders, scientists, celebrities, and such.” Merlin paused and swallowed.

“About the top one or two percent of wankers in the world,” Jack said flatly. 

Merlin let out a startled laugh. “Aye. To prove their loyalty, they had to let him put implants behind their ears. The implants kept them from being effected by the SIM cards…” His voice trailed off again.

“And?” Jack prodded gently.

“And it could superheat their soft tissue on his command.”

Jack tilted his head to the side. He didn’t take his eyes from the mirror. “What does that mean?”

Merlin grunted and the words came out in a rush. “It means he could make their heads explode with the press of a button. I hacked his system and we were outnumbered, so I had to…”

Jack hummed knowingly. “Ye triggered the implants.”

“Aye. All of them.”

Jack nodded and then asked solemnly, “Was there another option?”

Merlin didn’t hesitate. “No, Da.”

Jack smiled ruefully. “Then, you did what was necessary and you’ll learn to make peace with it.”

“I know,” Merlin replied quietly.

Jack stared at the mirror for a moment longer, willing Merlin to believe him, before he sank down on the edge of the bed. “What was Valentine’s end game?”

“A culling,” Merlin answered distastefully. “He wanted to cure the overpopulation and global warming problems in one go.”

Jack’s lip curled into a sneer. “Leaving the world for him and all his rich friends.”

“Basically.”

Jack puffed thoughtfully. He pointed the pipe at the mirror. “Let me guess. He wasnae going to save any of the little people who actually make the world run. People who work with electronics, power, water, that sort of thing.”

“No.”

Jack smirked. “Stupid wanker.”

Merlin laughed again despite himself. “Aye, Da, a stupid dead wanker.”


End file.
